This may get emotional, and I dare say this subject may have been avoided. Even though it has always been if front of my face.
Watching some videos of vocalists on Britain’s Got Talent, I am reminded of my subdued passion for music. I say subdued because it seems if I am to be honest and transparent, music is one part of my life that has been held in check.
Music has been such an integral part of my life, yet has never been given the freedom it deserves. I sang and played my way through high school. By that I literally mean had it not be for choir, band and a special singing group, there’s a strong possibility I might not have made it.
Was I learning challenged in school? No, for the most part just bored. As a testament to that general studies were chosen over academic, as there was no intent to pursue college until after doing military service to pay for it.
However my vocal competitions my senior year earned me a Vocal Scholarship to a major university, and it seemed like I needed to rethink college. However, since I had not taken academic classes a test was required to see if I was academically eligible for college courses.
The test was completed and my scores were more than adequate. So much so that I was being placed in honors courses such as English and Music! I was both astounded and unprepared for such things. Me, an “honors” student in college? English? One of my least favorite classes the first semester of every school year when it came to those hateful sentence structures, defining adjectives, adverbs and pronouns. No way!
So I ran from college to the Army, where strangely enough I ended up playing percussion in the Battalion Band, just prior to playing in the jungles of Vietnam.
There were moments where I sang at weddings, my own included, musicals such as Fiddler On The Roof, and a few other opportunities, but no solos. There were ensembles at church, but no solos. Yet in truth my heart desired those solos. Eventually I determined that musical performance was not a good use of my time, and opted for drama, which I was equally good at.
My heart and soul thrill with music! I am constantly surrounded by music at home, and my absolute favorite programs have been Idol, The Voice, AMGT, BGT, and the programs that produced Pentatonix’s.
I could always see myself being part of such a group. The surprises of such amazing vocalists such as Susan Boyle that came out of nowhere, and others that have been discovered and uncovered by the programs mentioned above have been exciting. Those have made me question my reluctance to do anything with a voice that still resonates.
Yet public performance and the lifestyle that must accompany such ability, has never been my desire. My heart has only wanted to bring the same enjoyment I have experienced to others, but without all the fanfare of the superstar. So my talent in that category has never found it’s release, and there is a strong possibility that at this stage of life it never will. At least in the traditional sense of singing in front of people.
The idea of recording videos and putting them on Youtube, has occurred to me, but the thought quickly accompanies that idea with, “And then what?” With what purpose in mind?
I have written what I consider song poems, that sit in a file unused and waiting. For example:
by Alan Jarrett 2012
Your eyes are a mystery
That makes me ask why
The secrets they are hiding
Should make you cry
Each teardrop that falls
Full of sadness from the start
I feel like each drop
Is coming from my heart
But look into these eyes
Of gentleness from above
And you will never lack
True tenderness and love
I HAVE THE MUSIC
by Alan Jarrett 2012
What is this thing that feels so strange
How did it get so close
I never opened up the door
I was not the host
It does not respect my privacy
And makes me do strange things
I don’t know what to do
Bust most of all I want to sing
But the words seem to be missing
Yet there’s something deep inside
I just can’t seem to say it
Like all it wants to do is hide
What use is this
What can I do
Is it anything
To do with you
I have the music
But don’t have the words
My heart sings out such melody
Like the world has never heard
Where is the one who matches it
With words that will ring true
Words that come from deep within
Could that one be you
What is this I’m hearing
Is it just my heart in song
There’s a difference in this music
Another sound has come along
What do I know
I can not speak
My tongue is tied
My heart skips a beat
There it is and it’s not a dream
Her words are soft and pure
It blends so perfectly it seems
Like an oyster with it’s pearl
My music found it’s answer
The words were bound up in her heart
Together they make the song
And the two shall never part
So this is love
Like it should be
The two of us
Just you and me
Can you feel my heart in those lyrics? It goes deep into my soul and draws out my spirit. Wow! Even with those words the beginning of another has a start. Yet they go nowhere. I’m not really sure what to do with this, but I feel it should not die with me.
The thought comes to me this instant that it would be like holding a bird in my hand and never letting it fly. It’s alive and ready to do what it was created to do, yet seems held in captivity.
Writing at least has given release to share my heart, risking acute and possibly negative rebuke from others as I show my transparency. I have to smile a little to myself, as I don’t think I have ever been this open about something, or even willing to take such a chance. I have clearly said, “no rules, no regrets.” This will be a good test of that resolve.